
“It turns out that the ability to step into the world on our own often stems from the knowledge that there is someone beside us whom we can count on – this is the dependency paradox.” -Amir Levine & Rachel Heller in “Attached”
The book “Attached.” by Levine and Heller does an incredible job of explaining adult attachment theory. We often think of attachment as something that only applies to infants, but the reality is that it is crucial throughout our lives.
If as little ones, we had caregivers who provided us with the nurture, protection, and guidance we needed, then we are far more likely to gravitate toward secure relationships in adulthood.
When this is not the case, our nervous system learns to predict that others won’t be there in the way we need them to be, and this tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy with those we instinctively choose as partners.
We are most able to thrive when we have a secure base, both as children and as adults.
Repairing our attachment systems – so we are better able to choose secure relationships – is possible through EMDR therapy modified to treat developmental trauma.