
“Love doesn’t hurt you. A person that doesn’t know how to love hurts you.” – Tony Gaskins, Jr
When we grow up without secure attachment – without the consistent experience of being seen and heard and held and defended – we can get all mixed up about what love looks like and feels like.
We can conclude that somehow we aren’t good enough to to be loved the way we see others can be – so we must cling to whatever inconsistent bits of affection come our way (even if these crumbs are tainted with treatment that we know deep down is poisonous). Or we can conclude that love is too dangerous, so it is best to hunker down on our own rather than risk vulnerability to what feels like certain pain.
More and more research is showing that insecure attachment – early developmental trauma – is at the root of so much of what can cause us to struggle as adults – depression, anxiety, and vulnerability to repeated traumas and hurtful relationships.
The most exciting part of my work in recent years has been seeing how EMDR therapy can be modified to repair the attachment system and to see people re-learn what it means to be loved – and that they have been intrinsically lovable all along!!